10 Reasons I Shouldn’t Write My Life Story

#1 I am far too young. What could I tell you? I’m barely out of senior school… Or at least that’s how I feel. Sure, a few interesting things have happened in my life, but most of them happened to someone else. It’s like asking Justin Bieber to reveal how he lost his virginity…. There’s just not much to tell yet.

 

#2 I have done nothing of interest to the world. I was born, I went to school, flunked, got a job and here I am. I’ve managed to be in consecutive relationships since I was 16, but that’s not really page turning info. Oh, I did a charity skydive and didn’t die. I haven’t ever been arrested, gotten into a fight or run to be elected as the local MP. I haven’t even sniffed cocaine! (and battling a drug addiction is a must in an autobiography)

 

#3 I wouldn’t want my autobiography next to Katie Price, Kerry Catona, Alan Titchmarch or any other Z-List celeb. Imagine walking into Waterstones and finding all your hard work sat next to Cheryl Cole’s “Et’s cuz ya wurth et” face. Good-bye street cred.

 

#4 I’m too busy writing rubbish and doing housework. I have far too many of these lists to write, and the dishwasher always needs stacking.

 

#5 I’ve got a terrible memory. I wonder if I have some sort of condition because I can never remember important things in my life. Like [insert important event here] and [another important life event]. If I’m honest, I’d probably just be making it up if I wrote my life story. And that’s not fair on anyone!

 

#6 I am a nobody, therefore nobody would read it. I am trying to make myself un-invisible. But until then, I’ll leave the autobiography industry to the above Z-listers. I’ll do something really cool and outlandish one day.

 

#7 I haven’t met Nelson Mandela. Isn’t that in the criteria?

 

#8 I don’t think I’ve ever read another person’s life story, so I think it’d be a bit unfair to expect people to read mine. I have no desire to read about peoples’ lives, unless they’re family and then it’s likely you’ll know the people they’re talking about.

 

#9 It would be embarrassing. I was a very awkward teenager and even thinking about my youth makes me cringe. I was a fat little idiot with an obsession for Eminem and pizza.

 

#10 I haven’t had sex with more than four people… And I’m from Essex.

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